As one of the top researchers in the study of Sasquatch, a published author and Documentary television personality I am often asked how I, a modest man from humble beginning achieved such lofty heights.   Well, truth told I am a classic American success story, who used hard work and sacrifice to achieve his goal.  You can learn the secrets of my success by booking one of my motivational speaking engagements.  The program is called “Creating American Success Honestly” but you can just make the check out to the Acronym- CASH.  Private life coaching sessions focusing on the struggles of young women in modern society are also available.  Just send me a personal letter outlining your goals, and enclose a recent photograph – no fatties.

My childhood years were spent traveling the country, learning the family business, specifically the carnival trade.  I was a natural, and by the tender age of eight had mastered the technical skills required to operate the “Tilt a Wheel” ride, which is difficult, especially when you’ve had eleven beers.  The public’s changing tastes in entertainment combined with a difficult economy and unproven legal allegations led my family to give up life on the road and quietly settle down under assumed names in North Dakota.

Reaching manhood I applied to several Ivy League universities, who did not feel that my life experiences applied to their narrow views of education, an opinion also expressed by several community colleges, vocational schools and the United States Coast Guard.  Undaunted I put my nose to the grindstone and was eventually accepted at the prestigious University of Tonga pursuing a degree in Animal Husbandry.  A dedicated student, I graduated first in my class, though the tragic demise of my other eight classmates might have influenced that position.  Sadly, on graduation day they were killed in a gorilla revolt.  That’s not a spelling error – these were actual gorillas, specifically Silverbacks that were scheduled for shipping to loving homes in one of Germany’s finest Animal Research Laboratories.

It may comfort readers to know that the Gorillas were not led by, nor was the revolt in any way instigated by chimpanzees – so no worries about super intelligent organized primate overthrow of the human race at this time.

Watching these beautiful majestic creatures as they tore my academic betters limb from limb was a revelation, and I knew at that moment that I would devote my life to primate studies.

Unfortunately legal misunderstandings involving some female Peace Corps volunteers appearing on my videotape “International Peace Corps Volunteer Girls Gone Wild” led to my deportation from Micronesia and most of Western Africa.  So, armed with only my college degree, ten dollars, and a reoccurring urinary tract infection I made my way back to the land I love.

America has many great things, but sadly has no indigenous primates, but I could still continue my studies, focusing on the most elusive of all apes– The Sasquatch.  I established the Doctor Dirk Dejardins Sasquatch Research Institute, conveniently located in my mother’s basement.  My research studies and a night job at Kinkos allowed me to self publish the book “Bigfoot, The Myth, The Monster, and Me” which quickly soared into Amazon’s top three million.

Since its publication I have appeared in several high profile basic cable documentaries on Bigfoot, and was in the process of creating a television series, until some jerks stole my idea and took it to Animal Planet.

Undaunted, I have pressed on with my research.  My most recent investigation revolving around the Cottontail Nudist Resort may finally yield the indisputable evidence proving the existence of Bigfoot.  Suck on that Animal Planet!

I have been conducting surveillance of the area surrounding the sightings and have already shot some fascinating video.  The only problem I foresee is a group of amateur Bigfoot hunters also trying to collect evidence.  Being a born diplomat I have arranged for us to pool our resources to capitalize on this opportunity.  Clearly one of the women, Veruca is strongly attracted to me, and who can blame her?  But I will maintain my professionalism and focus on the task at hand.  Once we have established the existence of Sasquatch I will relax and let her climb mount Dirk.

More news to follow.