Because it takes a beast to teach you to be a man!

Are you wondering how me, a creature whose existence has never even been proven, can teach you how to be a man?  Are you saying to yourself “he’s just a smelly ape that wanders the woods eating roots and small grub worms.”  Well buddy, that’s where you’re wrong.  Do you really think 300,000 women go camping every year because they want to commune with deer and squirrels?  No.  They’re really hoping for a little Cryptozoological loving; something I’m more than happy to provide.  So next time your lady friend says she’s taking off for the weekend to “help save the wetlands” trust me, the land won’t be the only thing that’s wet.

Just one blog post can’t give you back what 100,000 years of evolution has taken away, but I’m going to share a few tips to help you get some of your primordial Mojo back.

Here we go.

BE ELUSIVE: There’s maybe three photos of me, and they’re out of focus and grainy, but that’s because being elusive is my stock and trade.  Those three bad shots are on about a million web sites, but because they’re so blurry women consider me mysterious – it gives me an aura.

 

You on the other hand, probably have a million pictures of yourself on Facebook grinning like an idiot and waving a beer bottle around, so women assume they’ve got you figured out before they even meet you.  Plus, they already know too much about you, so where’s the thrill?

I make a point of avoiding most of the humans trying to find me. Mostly that’s because they’re usually overweight rednecks in trucker hats, so there’s no real up side for me.  But, that “never seen” mystique is crucial, because when I set my sites on a lady and make my surprise campsite appearance, BANG it’s such a once in a lifetime experience that the word no leaves their dictionary.  They’re never going to get another chance like this again, so there’s no point in waiting.

So ditch all those idiotic photos and just get a few out of focus pictures and stop volunteering information.  Elusive is the name of the game.

DON’T BE NEEDY: Women look at me as a one-time-only kind of anthropoid, which is perfect.  After a few steamy woodland hours they know I can’t be tamed, and I’m never going to settle down and watch “Bridget Jones Diary” with them for the twentieth time.  Secretly they understand that society won’t accept us being together, and that only makes it hotter.  That’s kind of why I avoid female Sasquatches… clingy.  I know they’re sexy, but trust me they’ll have you building a nest after the first coupling.

What can you do?  Well, show up and act like you’ve got other places to be, and big things weighing on your mind – but never actually say what those places or things are.  Make the young lady struggle to keep you there.  Trust me it works, and before you know it she’ll be dragging you to her sleeping bag.  Afterwards, don’t call her right away- just leave a fresh deer carcass outside her door.  Now she knows you care, but she’s still puzzled.  You’re clearly a loner, and all she can think about is taming you a little.  Trust me, few hours of attempted taming is pretty sweet, and when she fails, she just wants to try harder.

 

DIMINISHED EXPECTATIONS: I’m an unclassified anthropoid, known for having a violent temper and a musky smell.  But that’s the trick!  When a woman meets me her expectations are diminished, so practically anything I do just blows her away.

So while your out planning grand gestures and making Emo music mixes, all I need to do is leave some wildflowers, or a fresh deer carcass at their camping site, and BAM!  Those J Crew hiking shorts are as good as off.

So, next time you write some online dating profile try mentioning your pungent musky odor, inability to vocalize, and your preferred diet of roots and small forest rodents.  You may not get many responses but the ones you get will be impressed you can even operate a doorknob.  After that you’ll be able to get them back to your nest and go primal.

And last but not least…

 

SWAGGER:  Have you ever seen that famous film of me?  Check out my walk. That’s called “swagger” and it tells people exactly who they’re dealing with, even if they’re fifty feet away looking through a night-vision camera.  Don’t waste your time learning to dance because you won’t get to show that off until there’s a wedding or spring mating ritual- just focus on giving yourself a walk.  That hunched over, arm swing of mine works every time.  If that move doesn’t feel right for you just watch old James Cagney movies…that’s swagger.

In conclusion…

Your probably thinking, “hey this guys eight feet tall, world famous and hung better than the last four Kentucky Derby winners! How can I ever compete with him?”  Well there’s your mistake, because looks, fame and Moose antler sized genitalia isn’t what matters.  It’s all about being unique.  Try my techniques and you’ll be the uncrowned king of any forest.  Go get em tiger- and don’t forget the deer carcass!